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Attempting to obey God and follow Jesus Christ our Lord

Humor

My Mom

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Jeremy Clarkson’s P45 – Top Gear – Series 19 Episode 1 Highlight – BBC Tw (a little humor)


A Little Redneck Advice

With all the hoopla about gun control and taking away American Citizens right to bear arms, I thought that maybe I could educate those who think that it is going to be easy, as well as those who think that guns are our only option. My Sister found this on FB and I thought it was perfect to enlighten a few people who don’t bother to use the brains that God gave them.Redneck Security System


Find Sufficiency in God

Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Stained glass at St John the Baptist’s Anglican Church http://www.stjohnsashfield.org.au, Ashfield, New South Wales. Illustrates Jesus’ description of himself “I am the Good Shepherd” (from the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verse 11). This version of the image shows the detail of his face. The memorial window is also captioned: “To the Glory of God and in Loving Memory of William Wright. Died 6th November, 1932. Aged 70 Yrs.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1 Timothy 6:6-16

Now godliness with contentment is great gain.

For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.

But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition.

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

But you, O man of God, flee from these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness.

Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

I urge you in the sight of God who gives life to all things, and before Christ Jesus who witnessed the good confession before Pontius Pilate,

that you keep this commandment without spot, blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ‘s appearing,

which He will manifest in His own time, He who is the blessed and only Potentate, the King of kings and the Lord of lords,

who alone has immortality, dwelling in unapproachable light, whom no man has seen or can see, to whom be honor and everlasting power. Amen


Update on My Prayer Request

Thank all of you so much for your prayers. I wanted to let you know that prayer works and God is still in control. My back has eased up quite a bit. It is not totally healed but it is not locking up and I can move without extreme pain. Thank you all again and God bless you everyone!


Congress

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of
fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well
as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and,
presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most
obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not …… a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington


Why Go to Church?


One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1),They don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You’re 49 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

The Best Way to Pray

TUSCALOOSA, AL - MAY 02:  Utility workers repl...

TUSCALOOSA, AL – MAY 02: Utility workers replace a destroyed utility pole on May 2, 2011 in Holt, Alabama. Alabama, the hardest-hit of six states, is reported to have been battered with at least an EF-4 rated tornado with the death toll across the South rising to over 300 as a result of the storms. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)


A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. 
 “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
 “The most effective prayer position is lying on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. 
 “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.  “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

Creation

God, the Father watches us all everywhere.

God, the Father watches us all everywhere. (Photo credit: angelofsweetbitter2009)

Creation

An atheist scientist came to God and said, “We’ve figured out how to make a man without you.”

God said, “OK, let me see you do it.”

So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, “Oh, no you don’t. Get your own dirt!”


Friendship

zwani.com myspace graphic comments


Groundhog Day


THE BRAIN TRANSPLANT – Satire (Well…maybe!)


A Little Satirical Anti-Liberal Humor


2 Brazilian Soldiers

WASHINGTON - NOVEMBER 2:  In this handout prov...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked,

‘Just how many is a brazilian?’

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.


A Little Humor Break


Why we shoot deer in the wild

White-tailed deer in Toronto, Canada

Image via Wikipedia

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this).

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up– 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ….. I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp… I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God… An Educated Farmer.


Warning!!!!

Ice Ledge

Image by Bob.Fornal via Flickr

I did not know this…

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.


NewsBusted 12/16/11


NewsBusted 12/13/11


17 Days of Fun, Fun, Fun ~ The Obama Hawaii Vacation


Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind LickManeuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Remy: Missing You – The Incandescent Light Bulb Song


Smile

This one is by way of my oldest son!

ME FIRST!

Meeting   God:

Diversionary   tactic.

Words  of  Wisdom.

A  fortune to  remember!

Stay  off the  course . . . Or   else!

Not  my  job

DESPERATE  FOR A TICKET  TO THE WORLD  CUP

BEST  T-SHIRT  DESIGN

FRIDGE   MAGNET

QUEEN OF  THE  BLONDES

What will  I  be when I grow up?
This is just too  priceless not  to share!

If  you  don’t pass this along,
a dog will  come out and pee on  your  computer!

I  guess you  didn’t send it fast  enough!

There  may have  been times when I may  have:
Disturbed you,
Troubled you,
Pestered you,
Irritated you,
Bugged you
 ,
Got on your nerves with all the emails I send,
So today I just wanna’ tell you that…

I  PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!


A Humorous Look at The Difference’s Between 1961-2011

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…1961: Long hair 
20
11: Longing for hair1961

: KEG 
20
11: EKG
1961

: Acid rock 
20
11: Acid reflux
1961

: Moving to California because it’s cool 
20
11: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm
1961

: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
20
11: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1961

: Seeds and stems
20
11: Roughage
1961

: Hoping for a BMW
20
11: Hoping for a BM
1964

: Going to a new, hip joint
20
11: Receiving a new hip joint
1961

: Rolling Stones 
20
11: Kidney Stones
1961

: Screw the system
20
11: Upgrade the system
1961

: Disco
20
11: Costco
1961

: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
20
11: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1961

: Passing the drivers’ test
20
11: Passing the vision test 1961

: Whatever 
20
11: Depends Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.  Each year the staff at  Beloit College  in  Wisconsin  puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen.  Here’s this year’s list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1993.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 2 yearsbefore they were born. 
They have always had an answering machine..

They have always had cable. 
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss, de plane..”
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Mc Donald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?  Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.  Notice the larger type, that’s for those of you who have trouble reading..

So have a nice day!!!!!  It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!


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